


All I Want

by FindTheWordsToSay



Series: High School Sweethearts 'verse [6]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9231734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FindTheWordsToSay/pseuds/FindTheWordsToSay
Summary: " 'Well, what am I supposed to think, Liam? How am I supposed to feel after- it's stupid, I know it is. I shouldn't be this upset about an insignificant word. But after all we've been through, it was like hearing you say that two and half years didn't even matter, like I don't matter to you' "





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A super-duper belated xmas fic because when the hell am I ever on time for anything?

> **Liam J Payne** is - _having a marvel movie marathon with_ **Zayn Malik**

Louis sighs as he closes out the social media app.

It’s ridiculous how jealous he is. Liam had made tonnes of friends since Louis first approached him two years ago so really, it’s ridiculous that Louis is jealous right now. The thing is - is that since Louis moved away for school three months ago they’ve only seen eachother once. Trying to schedule skype dates and phone calls got harder as his school work piled up and his own new friends invited him to parties. So, Maybe this was his own fault, but lately anything Liam does involves this so called Zayn that Louis has never met. And to top it off Zayn was bloody gorgeous. He’d seen so in the countless Instagram selfies Liam had been posting recently.

He was able to squeeze in a twenty minute phone call to Liam earlier in the day. His Chemistry final had him stressed to levels he didn’t even know existed but ten seconds of hearing Liam’s voice made it all melt away. He felt weightless and giddy, he always did with Liam. That is until _he_ was mentioned.

Liam was giggling uncontrollably during their call.

“What’s so funny?”

“Huh? Oh, Zayn just woke up and has the wildest bed head. Oh my god, it’s hilarious.” There’s a muffles ‘shut up’ Louis can faintly hear.

Blood rushed to his ears and he didn't hear much past Zayn waking up. Why was Zayn sleeping in the same bed as Liam? Who was he to make Liam laugh this way? His brain kind of short circuited, probably due to his blood boiling. “Hey, I have to go, Babe. Have a fun day, yeah?” He hung up before he heard a response.

The guilt had been eating at him the entire day. So after handing in his last final he decides that maybe he should head home early for the holidays, there was no point in staying an extra five days. He tells his mom but asks her to keep it quiet so he can surprise Liam.

He’s so excited that he has to bite his cheek to keep from smiling like a maniac on the train ride home. Dinner was eventful, filled with stories from his sisters, hugs, kisses and a threat to Lottie’s new boyfriend. Nobody told Louis coming home would only make him realize how much he really missed it. After dinner he makes promises to be back for bedtime stories and leaves for Liam’s place.

-

Louis sits quietly on Liam’s bed waiting for him to come home. Liam’s parents weren’t too keen about seeing him but let him in either way. He remembers the times he had to sneak in to avoid them knowing the nature of his relationship with Liam and the heartbreaking times Liam had snuck into his room with tear stained cheeks. Those days were long gone and Liam snuck it countless times the previous summer but only for late night quickies and cuddles. Louis can't wait to get his hands on him again. He puts his phone away when he hears noise near Liam's door.

“Shit Liam that was fucking hilarious. We have to hang out with those dudes again.” None other than the infamous Zayn walks in. “Um who are you?”

“Who’s who? Oh, my god. Louis!” Liam’s face lit up the entire room, probably the entirety of earth but Louis is a bit biased. Liam shouldered passed Zayn and hugged him while laughing. “You weren’t supposed to be here for like another week! You should have told me. Oh my god. I missed you so much.” And he’s hugging Louis again.

“I missed you, too, Darling. So much.” The whisper sends a shiver down Liam’s spine. He’s elated but when Louis moves to kiss him, he moves away and it’s like a knife has been shoved into his chest. Then he remembers who’s in the room and, well Liam’s never been a fan of PDA so that makes a little sense to Louis.

“Oh! Louis this is Zayn, Zee this is Louis.”

“Of course. Your friend that’s off at Uni, right? Good to meet you”

“Actually I’m-” _I’m his boyfriend, you idiot_. He stops himself from saying something rude, hoping Liam will correct him.

“Yeah, Zee, he's best mate. It's been a few months since left so I’m glad you guys are finally meeting.”

Liam didn’t correct him. The same knife now twisting and turning, causing a pain Louis had never felt before.

Zayn smiles wide, however, ignorant of the situation and moves to shake hands but Louis interrupts, turning to face Liam.

He tries to school his emotions, two words shouldn’t hurt him this much. But he can’t shake it when we leans into Liam only to have him pull away a bit again. “ ‘Best mate’? Haven’t been introduced that way in quite a few months. I thought… I thought we worked past this.”

“Lou, it’s not that-”

“Yeah, yeah not that simple.” His words bite, harsh enough to mask his hurt. “I’m sorry that I haven’t been around much. Uni is busy and I get that-that it’s difficult right now with me being away. If you don’t want this anymore, just say so.”

“Of course I want this. Louis, please we just. We need to talk.”

Talk? Talk about how Liam has found something better with Zayn? His heart was already in pieces he’d rather spare whatever was left.

Poor Zayn was red in the face, feeling as though he was intruding on something intimate. “Should I, like, go?”

“No, you can stay. Liam very clearly wants you around. I’ll make it simple for you, Li: we aren’t anything. This is over.” He leaves without looking back, the sting in his eyes nothing compared to the ache in his chest.

-

Louis walks home slowly despite the wind biting at his cheeks. It keeps the tears at bay for a while. Hands shoved into his pocket, he turns left taking the long way home. With his hands shoved into his pockets, Louis arrived at his doorstep and realizes he is a bit early for bedtime stories. He thought he’d be gone longer, probably would have had it not broken up with Liam.

He’s glad for the distraction of helping his siblings bathe and brush their teeth. He reads a total of five children’s books that night and falls asleep before his head hits the pillow. He spends the next day playing with his siblings and avoiding his mom’s gaze because she somehow knows. She always does, but it’s not something he wants to talk about. When she moves towards him as he sets the table, he makes a point of asking about her day and avoiding anything regarding himself.

His cell phone rings in the middle of dinner but it’s Liam so he let’s it go to voicemail. Taking a deep breath with eyes closed, he puts the phone back in his pocket. He mentally curses himself because now he’s sure Lottie’s noticed something’s up, too. Later, he declines Phoebe’s offer to watch a movie with them, letting her know he isn’t feeling his best. She offers her stuffed bunny and climbs his lap to give him a kiss on the forehead. “Get well real, soon Lou.” He laughs and thanks her, assuring her care will get him better in no time.

When he gets upstairs, however, Liam’s there sitting on his desk chair with his head hung low.

"Get out." Is all he says, avoiding any form of contact with Liam.

"Louis if you just let me explain. Please."

"Explain what, Liam? That we're back to square one? That some handsome new kid comes into your life and I'm suddenly just your-your friend?" He coughs to cover up his voice cracking. "Or are you going to explain why you never told me that you found someone else? That's all you had to say, could've saved me all the embarrassment from yesterday."

"Is that what you think? That I'm cheating on you with Zayn? Oh my god. Louis you have to know i would never. You have to know, I couldn’t ever do that- I love you"

"Well, what am I supposed to think, Liam? How am I supposed to be feel after- it's stupid I know it is. Shouldn't be this upset about an insignificant word. But after all we've been through, it was like hearing you say that two and half years didn't even matter, like I don't matter to you"

"I'm sorry, Lou. None of that is true, though-"

"I don't want to hear it right now Liam. Please leave."

"But-"

"I said go!" He closes his eyes and turns his back to Liam. It kills him every time he has to.

Liam's saucer eyes are watering and he stands in silence for a few seconds, composing himself. Then, slowly, he moves towards the window to leave the way he came in but he stops short only to say a few words. “I love you so much, Louis. And I’m so sorry.”

When Louis opens his eyes next, Liam's left nothing but a trace of his scent. His mother must have heard him shout because she's knocking and peeking in thirty seconds later.

"Honey, you alright?" She sits next to him on the bed. Her warmth melts Louis and he crumbles into her bosom, sobbing. She clutches back tightly, kissing his head and gently rocking him. When he calms down, they talk. He tells her what happened, how he acted rash and now regrets it all.

“Will it ever stop hurting, Mum?”  
  
She reassures him everything will work out; whether or not he and Liam end up together, he will heal and move past this pain.

"It just takes some time, Honey. Give it time."


	2. Chapter 2

It's been a week. An entire week and Louis is starting to think his Mom was lying. It still hurts just as much as it did then.

His younger siblings arent enough of a distraction anymore, so he calls up some old friends and finally catches up with Harry. Harry had been studying abroad in America and had only made it home two days prior. 

They've been locked in Louis room talking for hours and eating junk food. Harry met a girl in California and it takes all his might not to roll his eyes. Yet, it seems Harry is more in love with the land itself than anyone he met. 

"I really can't wait to go back. I mean- not- like, I miss you guys and my family, i do so much. But it's a whole different world out there. 'Nuff about me though, I've been talking for aaages." His eyes shift suspiciously. "You never let me go on pointlessly for more than two minutes. What's wrong?"

At this, Louis laughs heartedly, because it's true. He can only take Harry's rambling for so long. But he doesn't respond to Harry's question, which only makes it worse. 

"Lou?" And Harry's serious now, brows knitted together in worry, "What's happened?"

"I don't know," he says because he really doesn't know what the hell happened. "I don't know, Haz but I fucked up. Big time" His voice cracks and he doesnt have any might left to control his emotions this time. "I did something and I really regret it and, and now I can't fix it" 

Harry sits up from where he was hanging upside down off the bed, moving to cuddle Louis. He listens intently to the re-telling and is furious by the end of it. 

"I'm the worst person, Haz. I didn't even take Liam's feelings into consideration. Just my own. I should have-"

"No, you're not the worst person. You're _human_ and you have feelings just like Liam does. He clearly didn't take yours into consideration either.”

"But I feel like an idiot. I overreacted and now…"

"You two just need to talk it out."

"That's the worst part, he tried to. The very next day he was in here and even after i kicked him out, he called but I couldnt bring myself to answer. I couldn't even look at him, do you understand that I broke his heart? I made him cry, Haz, me. "

"Hey, hey relax for me. You two will figure this out."

Louis doesn’t think they will, but he stays silent. Harry’s an optimist and he doesn’t want to break that spirit. He feels Harry nuzzle in closer, who has always been overly-affectionate, and it’s comforting now more than ever to know that at the very least he’ll always have Harry by his side.

-

It’s another two days of monotony. Harry and his other friends check in on him periodically, inviting him out to pubs but he’s not really in the mood. He let’s his sister’s smiles and excitement warm whatever’s left of his heart as they pick out a Christmas tree and decorate it at home. They’re yapping non-stop about the long list of toys they want from Santa Clause as they string popcorn and drink hot chocolate. 

Before he knows it, it’s Christmas eve and simultaneously his birthday. As a yearly tradition, his mom baked him a cake and they’re all gathered in the dining room when there’s a knock on the door. Louis glances at his mom, but she shakes her head. Not expecting anyone then. 

“Stay here kids, and Daisy stop flinging frosting at your sister” She rolls her eyes, making all her children laugh.

She’s surprised to see it’s Liam behind the door. “Liam.” She says shortly.

“Um, Hi Jay. I-is Louis here?”

Jay eyes him, taking in the dark circles around his eyes and the deep frown on his face. She figures he probably hasn’t has much more sleep than Louis has over the past two weeks. To be young and heartbroken is not something she wants to re-live. “He’s here, yes. I’m not too sure he wants to see you.”

Liam cowers at her raised eyebrow, eyes watering. “I know. I know but I really, really need to talk to him or just. Just seeing him would be- could you maybe just give him these presents? I bought him two because he’s always complaining that people only get him one gift even though he’s celebrating two separate occasions this time of year and I miss him so much and could you- could you.” He runs out of breath and barely gets the courage to look up at Jay. “Please.”

She reaches for the gifts but thinks better of it. “Come in, Liam. I’ll get him for you.”

“Okay, thank you.”

As she walks away, she thinks it’s been quite some time since Liam was this quite and reserved around her. By now, Louis is helping clear the table and she stops him with a gentle hand on his arm. “Lou, you have a guest here to see you.” At his inquisitive look, she sighs, placing a kiss to his forehead. “It’s Liam, go talk to him, I’ll finish up here”

Louis hands are shaking as he hands over the dishrag.

-

“Lou…”

It’s awkward as hell and they aren’t looking at each other because it’s so hard to. It’s still awkward as hell after Louis suggests that they speak in private in his room. There’s a uncomfortable amount of space and silence between them, as they are practically sitting at opposite ends of the bed.

Liam opens his mouth several times, but can’t find the right words. Doesn’t know where to begin. He looks down at the presents in his hand and think maybe he should just start there. “These are, um, for you. Happy birthday.” They are hastily placed in the vast area between them. “One’s a Christmas gift so, I guess h-happy christmas, too”

“Happy indeed,” He remarks with a sarcastic eyeroll then mentally berates himself. Being an asshole wasn’t part of his plan. He’s holding the gifts now but doesn’t open them. 

It seems now that Liam has started to talk, he can’t stop. “I’m sorry. I’m _so so_ sorry. There’s no excuse for what I did. It’s just-” he pauses to wipe at his misty eyes, “Zayn was the first friend I’ve made in a while. And I mean like, a real friend. He’s my Harry, if that makes any sense. Louis I was so scared that if he knew, if he found out that I’m gay, he wouldn’t like me anymore. And I didn’t think that day. I didn’t think anything through.”

He doesn’t know how it happened, but they’re only inches away now. Louis looks into Liam’s eyes for the first time in what feels like an eternity. Eyes that he could fall in love with every day, and they’re so sincere that he chokes up as Liam continues talking.

“I know what I did was wrong. And I promise I’ll never, ever do it again. I don’t know what came over me, really. Will you please, please forgive me?”

It’s Louis wiping at Liam’s eyes this time, voice soft. “I made you a promise one time, I don’t think you even remember. But I promised you that I’d wait forever and day for you to be comfortable with being completely out in the open. I'm a shit person for breaking that promise but you completely blind-sided me. You pushed me way and that hurt me. It hurt me more than anything else ever has. I guess my reaction was to try and hurt you back and for that I’m sorry, too.” His hands have stayed cradling Liam’s face, thumbs soothing the hot tracks left on his cheeks. “I didn’t mean to break my promise and I won’t from this point on. I don’t care if you need to introduce me as your friend, because I understand, Liam. I’ve always understood that this is difficult for you because of your upbringing. So, I’ll forgive you on the premise that you forgive me and that next time you give me some kind of warning. Just talk to me.”

Liam’s nodding frantically, “Yes, I promise. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I won’t do that to you again.” Liam is rambling quite in the most adorable fashion, Louis thinks. So he shuts him up with a heart-soaring kiss. It’s quick and soft but still manages to render Liam speechless (and breathless but if Louis doesn’t mention his wheezing, he won’t either). “God, I missed you so fucking much.” Liam mumbles against Louis lips before going in for more.

—

Hours later, they lay side by side facing each other. By now they’ve whispers countless ‘I love you’s’ and have gotten reacquainted with each others mouths as well as other body parts. Louis finally opened his presents and gave Liam his. It amazed him how easily they back into rhythm. After so many nights of thinking he’d never have Liam in his arms again, Louis is having a hard time letting go; he needs to be touching Liam in some way. He tells Liam of his roommate, Niall, a genius Irish kid that makes Louis life hell sometimes and complains about his professors and all the assignments he has to do. Liam fills him in on the going-ons o f the drama club and school gossip. Louis tenses, however, when Liam brings up Zayn.

“So uhh, does us being back together mean I have to like Zayn?”

“Yes, it does, Lou. He’s done nothing to you.”

“No, not to me. He just has his hands all over you in every fucking selfie you post.”

Liam’s laughter is music to Louis ears. “Oh, my God. You’re jealous of Zayn? Wait til I tell him”

“Shut up, I’m allowed to be jealous of a boy you spend all your time with.” Liam kisses away Louis scowl.

“Stop it. He’s really nice. He is going to get a kick out of this, though.” He kisses Louis again, for reassurance. “I told him. I mean, about us. That day,after you left. He said I was stupid for never telling him and that he always thought I was harboring a secret crush on you from the way that I spoke about you. I’m not really good at hiding my love for you, apparently. Don’t think I ever want to be” He pulls Louis in, once more, for a proper snog. Then looks apologetic when they break away. 

“Why’re you looking like that?”

“I gotta go. Mum’s already furious that I left to come see you. Plus we have about ten millions cousins over.”

“That’s alright. I’ll see you in a few days, yeah? Harry’s having a New Years party.”

“Yeah, sound good.” But Liam doesn’t move, much too comfortable in the warmth of Louis bed. He falls asleep to the sound of Louis heartbeat. The next day he’ll have to deal with the consequences of not coming home and he’ll have yet another argument with him Mom, but this is worth it. Louis will always be worth the trouble. 

“Merry Christmas, Darling”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just stressing again, super belated xmas fic. And it's not even that Christmas-ey. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoyed :)


End file.
